Confessions of a Fundoo Strategist

This article is also posted at Express Tribune.

I am what some of you call a Fundoo. A Fundoo strategist to be precise. I was recruited in secret by a group of people calling themselves the Tehreek-e-Nifaaz-e-Duniya-e-Jahaane-Musalmaniya Pakistan, a top secret group made of representatives from different religious parties, banned outfits, sympathisers and financiers.

Our group operates like a small company, with an established mission (evident from our name) and a chain of command: a nigraane nizameen (board of directors), a markaze tazobarkar (core strategy group) and a majmuahe teelibaaz (um...general workers). I am the naib chaalbaaz (deputy strategist), recently promoted and reporting to the emir chaalbaaz (chief of strategy) who reports directly to the board of directors.

We've been operating since long and our results are beginning to show. Our latest achievement is something we have been fighting very hard for: Total Fear. No war is won by physical force alone, one has to have a psychological advantage - achieve the mental victory, the rest will be easier. After years of hard work, we have achieved this important milestone. All the Libboos (yes, we also have a word for you so-called liberals and moderates) are now really really afraid, bringing us closer to our mission.

We achieved this through a simple, two-pronged strategy: a Libboo hit-list, coupled with a coordinated Fundoo mobilisation.
You look confused. Let me explain.

The first part of our strategy is a Libboo hit-list comprising of people from various walks of life. This was a long list (there are too many libboos in this country if you ask me) but we shortened it considerably by focusing on those who are prominent, outspoken and courageous: politicians, writers, journalists, lawyers. Our research tells us prominent single murders have more impact, far more than multiple killings through suicide bombs - yes really, trust me we keep checking this theory regularly during our monthly Suicide For Dummies course (this is a very popular course by the way, enrolment is free so we have to have many sessions running at one time, but let's discuss that later). When I say more impact, I mean that when we tick off someone on the hit-list, we are able to more strongly reinforce the belief that those who speak out against us will be silenced, resulting in lesser voices. This is the key pillar of our strategy.

To achieve the second part of our strategy, more coordinated and forceful fundoo voice, we capitalised on the media boom. Over the last few years not only have we set up a few channels, we have also arranged for time-slots on regular channels for our broadcasts and also given numerous regular jobs to many of our teelibaaz. This was actually much easier than we initially thought - you see, we were expecting successive governments to have some media policies or rules, or channels to have some qualification criteria for political and religious commenting and anchoring, but thankfully all they care about is money and ratings, which makes our task a whole lot easier.

So our two-pronged strategy works in a cycle. Our media teelibaaz are mobilised to support our cause - contrary to what most people think, we do believe in empowerment, teelibaaz are free to use their imagination, be it encouraging Ahmadi murders, issuing fatwas in talk-shows, justifying suicide bombers, hailing hit-list killers as Ghazis, covering up our suicide practise lessons as government failures, calling any contrary opinions un-Islamic, or proving rising potato prices to be American/Jewish conspiracies - anything that will keep the government occupied elsewhere while reinforcing Fundoo viewpoint in the country and gaining us Fundoo recruits from the frustrated citizenry. Gotta admit, works like a charm.

We are very close to realising our mission: we will establish Islamic law in the country soon...don't ask me to elaborate on that right now, that is still work in progress - so far our board of directors have not reached consensus on what Islamic law means or even who is the true Muslim from among us - there as many points of view as our directors...but we will sort that out later.

For now, first things first. We need to gain total control and silence the common enemy: the Libboos.

Purdah from the Dead

One of my early memories entails an unforgettable trip to Makli. I must have been twelve or thirteen, and a friend from school had just visited Makli, a place with historic significance, and raved about how beautiful the tombs were and how much fun she had had on the trip. Hanging out with my cousins at an uncle's place the following weekend, I had been telling them about it, so we all went over to my uncle - who used to have a big van in those days -  and begged him to take us. We were a bit fearful of reprimand as my uncle was generally quite conservative and also very strict - the whole family feared him - but after some cajoling he agreed to take us.

So we all pile into the van, about five boys and six girls, with my uncle driving. The drive was over an hour long and the eleven of us joked and played during the ride, all in a picnic mood - that is, till we got to Makli.

I can never forget the shock of the moment, when, upon reaching the entry gates, my uncle turned around to face us and said, "Only boys will get out here, girls will sit in the van till we get back." Surprised, I asked why, he glared at me for daring to question him and said stonily, "Don't you know that the dead are able to see the living without clothes on? Girls will stay in the van. No arguments."

I wish I could say here that I rebelled, that I managed to get out and see Makli, that I argued by asking about the dead women who could see all the living men naked, but the truth is that I was too dumbfounded and speechless as I had never ever been before (or after) in my whole life.  I only remember the anger slowly rising up as we waited in the van for the boys to come back, the rage seething in me when they did and talked incessantly about it all the way back to Karachi, and my endless bawling as soon as I entered my own house and saw my parents. No words would console me.

Years down, I have still not had the chance to see Makli.

Bringing Peace to Karachi: Please, Just Shut Up

I swear, my ears will start bleeding if I hear any of this one more time:

No one will be 'allowed' to disrupt peace in Karachi.
'Writ' of government to be enforced.
'Special inquiry team' formed to investigate Karachi violence.
'Special strategy' formulated to deal with Karachi violence.
CM takes notice of Karachi violence.
PM takes notice of Karachi violence.
President takes notice of Karachi violence.
MQM blames ANP for Karachi violence.
ANP blames MQM for Karachi violence.
'Land Mafia' involved in Karachi violence.
'Taliban' involved in Karachi violence.
'Sinister hand' involved in Karachi violence.
'Foreign hand' involved in Karachi violence.

Just google 'Karachi violence' and you will find all of the above in news items spanning over the last 5 years (and more)! And all that our politicians are interested in is giving completely useless statements.
Meanwhile, Karachi continues to bleed.

Here is just one year of statements, Jan 2011 all the way back to Jan 2010.

Jan 17, 2011: PML(N) Chief Nawaz Sharif: "No one will be allowed to disrupt peace in Karachi."

Jan 15, 2011: Interior Minister Rehman Malik: "The government will not allow anyone to destroy the city’s peace and motives behind these killings were being evaluated."

Dec 14, 2010: Sindh Home Minister Dr. Zulfiqar Mirza: "Target killers belong to the biggest party of Karachi."

Oct 22, 2010: Rehman Malik: "The government will recruit 3,000 extra police...action will be taken against anyone who dares challenge the writ of the state."

Sep 28, 2010: The Awami National Party (ANP) and Muttahida Qaumi Movement (MQM) exchanged allegations over unrest in Karachi in the Senate on Friday and held each other responsible for the ongoing target killings.

Aug 10, 2010: PM Gilani: "A "multi-pronged strategy" has been evolved with the help of the three political parties of the coaling ruling Sindh to restore peace and order to Karachi"

June 14, 2010: Rehman Malik: "The government is 'very close' to finding out who is working against the law and order situation in Karachi. Peace will be established in Karachi at all costs and no group or faction will be allowed to create any kind of violence and those who do work against the law will face strict action."

May 20, 2010: Rehman Malik: "No one would be allowed to break the law in Karachi and violators would be dealt with iron hand."

Jan 14, 2010: President Asif Ali Zardari: "Karachi will be turned once again into a land of peace..I urge all political forces to join hands to restore the city’s peace."

Politicians, give us a break. Either you have zero intelligence or zero guts.

Curbing Workplace Harassment: Are We There Yet?

This article is also posted at Express Tribune

Not long ago, at an informal get-together of friends in Karachi our conversation turned to harassment. The Harassment bill had just been passed and so the topic was a hot one. One of my friends mentioned a recurring problem she was having with a male colleague, who seemed to always keep his eyes at a particular location on her body instead of looking her in the eye when talking to her. She could not avoid it as their respective job roles required a lot of communication between the two.

This was particularly uncomfortable yet she was unable to raise this either directly with the person in question or with anyone else at work. She felt this would be laughed at, causing further embarrassment. Her self-esteem was suffering and despite being happy with everything else at her workplace, she was looking out for another job.

In another incident, a new recruit in my company came up to me within a week of being hired to have an informal, confidential discussion about harassment. When asked to elaborate, she said a male colleague had a habit of singing Indian songs, which she felt were targeted towards her. A confidential investigation showed the person in question, a generally well-respected guy, had always hummed songs while being engrossed at work, entirely oblivious to anyone else around. Most co-workers in his team were quite used to this habit without any problems.

So what exactly is harassment? While the term harassment itself is a wide one, sexual harassment in particular, as defined in the Protection Against Harassment of Women at Workplace Bill is "any unwelcome sexual advance, request for sexual favours or other verbal and written communication or physical conduct of a sexual nature or sexually demeaning attitudes, causing interference with the work performance or creating an intimidating, hostile or offensive work environment, or the attempt to punish the complainant for refusal to comply to such a request or is made condition for employment.”
(Though the title states Women, the Bill covers sexual harassment for both men and women at the workplace.)

It is important to remember that sexual harassment is not what an alleged harasser considers to be appropriate behaviour but whether the alleged harasser could have reasonably expected his/her behaviour to cause offence, humiliation or intimidation.

In many cases, and especially in Pakistan where there is no formal method of education on such a topic, certain behaviours and attitudes are at times unconscious or considered 'normal'. For instance, leering, or unwelcome touching when passing an glass or other object, or even staring as in the case of my friend, can sometimes be an unconscious behaviour. This is not to excuse it, but knowing that it could be unconscious may allow us to deal with it better. Or when a group of guys at work exchange sexual or suggestive material, snickering over it and when asked what they are laughing at, to shrug it off saying nothing, just "normal guy stuff" is considered acceptable workplace behaviour by some.

In terms of the two specific examples I quoted above, the first one does fall into the harassment category for it was making my friend uncomfortable enough to want to leave the company. Yet the onus is on her (or anyone else facing such an issue), to point it out and address the matter. Depending on the situation it could be taken up directly or through a confidante, either informally in confidence with a superior or as a formal complaint - without fear of a backlash.

In the second case we concluded it was not harassment, and the matter was closed with mutual agreement. Yet it was good that it was pointed out, for without understanding the situation my colleague would have continued to feel uncomfortable.

These are but small examples, there are far bigger and serious sexual harassment incidents that often go unreported, unaddressed properly or unpunished - from 'supposedly harmless' suggestive comments or jokes to repeated SMS friendship messaging to actual physical contact or request for such contact. The Bill may have been passed, but for an effective implementation it is critical that people - employees who work in any kind of organisation in Pakistan - understand harassment and what it encompasses, and are up-to-date on how to go about safeguarding their right to a dignified working environment.

The Bill provides a Code of Conduct to be followed by organisations as well as a guideline for the procedure of lodging and conducting inquiries for complaints. It is mandatory for organisations to implement this Code of Conduct in their HR policies and to adequately educate staff about it.

Has your organisation complied yet?

Here's My Country, Dude

The key pillar of a democracy is the will of the majority. As the meaning of an Urdu couplet goes, the beauty of democracy is we could always be ruled by donkeys as long as the majority is made up of donkeys.

So if the base concept is the assumption that majority should get their way regardless of the quality of their choices, everyone has to follow. By that token I am now quite convinced Pakistan is a donkey state. Forgive me if I sound unpatriotic - I am not, I love my country (or what is left of it). What I have lost, is hope.

Salman Taseer's murder, shocking as it is, was somehow not totally unexpected. The kind of threats he was receiving or the protests against him were no secret. All because his opposition to a controversial law and his support for a Christian blasphemy convict (where an official enquiry points to likely innocence) - was in itself considered equivalent to blasphemy.

Coming back to donkeys. Not one of the political leaders have had the guts to publicly condemn the reasons for his murder while conveying their shock at the incident. Not one has said that the so-called fatwa issued for the governor's head by small-time mullahs could be wrong. The murderer is being hailed as a Ghazi (conqueror) and given a hero's welcome at court premises by educated lawyers who showered him with rose petals! No less than 300 lawyers have offered to defend him free of charge. Text messages are circulating on cell phones praising him for his heroic act and condemning those who oppose the assassination as equal blasphemers! Facebook has pages dedicated in his honour with thousands of fans. The largest Urdu newspaper runs a front-page story declaring, “There should be no funeral for Salman Taseer and no condemnation for his death.”

The voices of sanity are muted. From the public and civil society no one can raise a moderate opinion without being subjected to condemnation and life threats. No debate on the blasphemy law will be tolerated. No discussion on rule of law (on the subject of this assassination) is acceptable. The sentence has been passed, the verdict carried out. The majority has spoken.

Those spending endless hours defending the country to others saying extremists are in a minority and there is hope, those social activists out there who still want to call out to Pakistanis to 'wake up and shake it up': Who are we fooling? I think it's time to wake up ourselves. We may love the country, but make no mistake, this is donkey country.

New Beginnings

Great to start the new year having my blog in my own name finally - arunahussain.com is up and running.

Happy 2011 !

RIP

I've been thinking of writing something on BB's death since a long long time, but every time I start, it has somehow been impossible to continue. The first year I was still not over it, the second year I was getting there, but I think now it has sunk in enough for me to think about it without feeling too emotional.

Like 9/11, most of us would remember exactly what we were doing on Dec 27 when the news of BB's death broke.

I was not a BB supporter.

Some of my cousins were - still are - die-hard Bhutto supporters. I remember as a kid shouting Jiay Bhutto from my cousins' car and flashing the V sign in a huge gathering of people in Clifton when BB was coming to Karachi in the 1980's. It was such a fantastic feeling, not the political side of it, which I didn't understand at the time, but the feeling of being among thousands of people in one place, happily shouting the same slogan over and over and the cheering and music and flags and dancing and the fun, something I had never experienced before in this way. It was magical.

Fast forward to the 1990s, the political awareness and the disillusionment. I did not forgive BB for her political mistakes, alleged corruption, bad choice of people and the like, and judged her to be no different than anyone else - same system, different face. I was very vocal in my opposition in family discussions, much to the annoyance of some of my cousins who were still staunch loyalists despite two failed tenures.

The days leading up to Oct 18 were especially charged up. The most embarrassing thing to happen was when on Oct 18 the whole extended family was at home watching TV coverage of her return and some cousins decided to go for a drive and check things out. We all get in the car and the cousin driving puts in her CD of PPP songs, and the next thing I know, everyone in the car, including myself, is dancing to Dila Teer Bija like crazy. I obviously became the butt of jokes as no one expected it of me, least of all myself. I guess I got transported back in time to the 1980s - or maybe I thought what the heck, BB supporter or not I could still enjoy the craziness of the moment. We passed many cars, everyone flashing and exchanging the V sign, and reached the Karsaz bridge beyond which cars could not go. Lots of dancing and music and people having fun. We kept going from Bilawal House to Karsaaz to Quaid's Mazaar enjoying the festivities, and only headed back once we got tired.

As soon as we got home we heard about the bomb attack where we had been just a little while before. The next few days are hazy, another cousin who was not supposed to be there but had gone to drop some friends had been hit in the blast and was in hospital. The discussions then were all about how things were not the same, to avoid such gatherings and etc. And of course, me being ridiculed no end for my dramatic change from anti-PPP to jiye-Bhutto-car-dancer.

In December all the family, including those overseas, were in Pakistan for a wedding in the family. December26 was the shaadi in Hyderabad, and the valima was scheduled for December28 in Karachi. After a late wedding we had just driven back to Karachi on December 27th and I was napping. I remember being shaken awake by my sister who shouted, "Wake up, wake up, BB is dead!". I went numb. What? "Yes, she has been shot, they are saying she's probably dead". No, No, No, No please God no, let that not be the case, let there be some mistake. God let them be mistaken.

But it was true, she was dead.

I was not a BB supporter. I really didn't agree with her politics. But I was also naive. In her life I didn't understand what I understood with her death - that it was possible to feel very deeply about someone despite disagreeing with them on everything. That I loved her I only understood with the emptiness I felt on her death. I cried for days, for weeks. She had stood for hope - she was the hope of millions. She had stood for courage, for it takes courage to face death knowingly the way she did. She had stood for the people, for she had come for them.
And she gave her life for them - for all of us.

Benazir Bhutto, you still live on in our hearts.
May you rest in peace.

So What's Cooking?

OK, time to own up. My cook and cleaning ladies didn't turn out to be the dream-come-true I had imagined. They had a fight and decided to split, leaving me in a fix.
The story goes thus:

Apparently the Cook is a permanent resident who was till recently a lonely housewife from South India, and so some months ago decided to give one of her apartment rooms up for rent to another Indian in order to have some company. A student from Hyderabad (India) responded to the ad, took up a room and they became friends. Soon afterwards the student proposed that they make some extra money working in houses instead of sitting at home -- result, they became Cook and Cleaner respectively and placed the ad that I found and responded to. Other than myself they also got a couple of other customers. So far so good.

OK, now apparently the Cleaner (student) was herself quite sick of being in Australia and missed home. A number of her university friends gave her the 'brilliant' idea to apply and get loans from different banks, take the money and split back home to India and start a new life. She proposed this to the Cook who freaked out and said nothing doing - she has 2 kids in school and is half-way through her citizenship process - she also asked the Cleaner to vacate her place as the trust had dwindled with this crazy scheme proposal. There the trouble began.

The Cleaner, who by now had had access to the Cook's whole house, had obtained her bank account details as well as PIN numbers, and applied for bank loans using the Cook's details! Not only that, she booked a one-way flight to India as well - the Cook only discovered all this by accident when she got a call at home at a time she was supposed to be out, by the bank asking for a reconfirmation of some detail, following which she searched the Cleaner's room. She immediately called up her husband at work, who came home and they confronted the Cleaner in the evening - a very ugly scene after which she vacated overnight, and without even paying some $500 that she owed them.

During this whole time both of them kept calling me with their own versions, each trying to keep me as her customer (they still need money I guess). As if I would get involved.

Back to square one for me.
Wanted: come-at-home desi Cook. Clean record required, No hanky panky schemes please. Any takers?