RIP

I've been thinking of writing something on BB's death since a long long time, but every time I start, it has somehow been impossible to continue. The first year I was still not over it, the second year I was getting there, but I think now it has sunk in enough for me to think about it without feeling too emotional.

Like 9/11, most of us would remember exactly what we were doing on Dec 27 when the news of BB's death broke.

I was not a BB supporter.

Some of my cousins were - still are - die-hard Bhutto supporters. I remember as a kid shouting Jiay Bhutto from my cousins' car and flashing the V sign in a huge gathering of people in Clifton when BB was coming to Karachi in the 1980's. It was such a fantastic feeling, not the political side of it, which I didn't understand at the time, but the feeling of being among thousands of people in one place, happily shouting the same slogan over and over and the cheering and music and flags and dancing and the fun, something I had never experienced before in this way. It was magical.

Fast forward to the 1990s, the political awareness and the disillusionment. I did not forgive BB for her political mistakes, alleged corruption, bad choice of people and the like, and judged her to be no different than anyone else - same system, different face. I was very vocal in my opposition in family discussions, much to the annoyance of some of my cousins who were still staunch loyalists despite two failed tenures.

The days leading up to Oct 18 were especially charged up. The most embarrassing thing to happen was when on Oct 18 the whole extended family was at home watching TV coverage of her return and some cousins decided to go for a drive and check things out. We all get in the car and the cousin driving puts in her CD of PPP songs, and the next thing I know, everyone in the car, including myself, is dancing to Dila Teer Bija like crazy. I obviously became the butt of jokes as no one expected it of me, least of all myself. I guess I got transported back in time to the 1980s - or maybe I thought what the heck, BB supporter or not I could still enjoy the craziness of the moment. We passed many cars, everyone flashing and exchanging the V sign, and reached the Karsaz bridge beyond which cars could not go. Lots of dancing and music and people having fun. We kept going from Bilawal House to Karsaaz to Quaid's Mazaar enjoying the festivities, and only headed back once we got tired.

As soon as we got home we heard about the bomb attack where we had been just a little while before. The next few days are hazy, another cousin who was not supposed to be there but had gone to drop some friends had been hit in the blast and was in hospital. The discussions then were all about how things were not the same, to avoid such gatherings and etc. And of course, me being ridiculed no end for my dramatic change from anti-PPP to jiye-Bhutto-car-dancer.

In December all the family, including those overseas, were in Pakistan for a wedding in the family. December26 was the shaadi in Hyderabad, and the valima was scheduled for December28 in Karachi. After a late wedding we had just driven back to Karachi on December 27th and I was napping. I remember being shaken awake by my sister who shouted, "Wake up, wake up, BB is dead!". I went numb. What? "Yes, she has been shot, they are saying she's probably dead". No, No, No, No please God no, let that not be the case, let there be some mistake. God let them be mistaken.

But it was true, she was dead.

I was not a BB supporter. I really didn't agree with her politics. But I was also naive. In her life I didn't understand what I understood with her death - that it was possible to feel very deeply about someone despite disagreeing with them on everything. That I loved her I only understood with the emptiness I felt on her death. I cried for days, for weeks. She had stood for hope - she was the hope of millions. She had stood for courage, for it takes courage to face death knowingly the way she did. She had stood for the people, for she had come for them.
And she gave her life for them - for all of us.

Benazir Bhutto, you still live on in our hearts.
May you rest in peace.